Is It an Unrelenting Trauma?

My Personal Diary, Published on Amazines on 5th Oct, 2009

It is pretty intricate to find a soul mate now. Things have been a little difficult over the past two decades, but now becoming more of a societal blight. There have been so many problems associated with finding a proper match these days. Women go to different homes to find wives for their sons, keeping vague standards in mind. When asked, they just reply that they want “good looking”, and educated girls. It is a bit tricky to delineate the vague term “good-looking”, since it is different for different people.

I have been interviewing a group of un-married girls and boys, with most of them falling in their late twenties. Sadaf is a software developer who finished her masters six years ago. She was of the view that women came in search of “film stars “, not homely and domestic girls. She told me that many times people came to see her, and despite her good job, fastidious grooming, and superlative educational background, they never came or even bothered to call back. Her parents find it hard to speculate now.

Sana earned her Master in business administration from a reputed university. Unfortunately she has been unable to find a good marketing job. I found her quite an eye-catching and decorous girl of twenty five. She is much more mature than other girls of this age that I have ever met. She impressed me a lot from her dauntless conversation and fine grooming. When asked, she replied with a deep sigh, “Sadaf, you know my dad is suffering from brain cancer. It’s a very difficult task to look after a sick father and handle people who come to see me. My mother has almost taken up the charge of many things, including this one as well. We at times have to rush to the hospital and there is a series of chemotherapy and radiation sessions going on. People often expect to meet my dad, but he is hardly ever conscious. People often comment on my unemployment and leave, which my mother doesn’t like at all. She is handling her husband’s ailment too. The other thing is that women never bring their sons with them.”

Shabana is a 30-year-old victim of the same. She got married at a younger age and got divorced after a week. Her in-laws were demanding a car from her, which she wasn’t able to endow with. The meager period of a one week marriage left so her so depressed and mortified that she started avoiding social gatherings. She hated people to question and make taunts on her broken relationship. After a one year period, she applied for a job at a Murree school and shifted from Islamabad. She used to come home on weekends only. Her mother wants her to settle down. She feels awful when people come to see her and leave without saying a word. Though, her mother is straight forward enough to tell them the truth about her early marriage. “Mom has already told them that I am a divorcee, what do they come for then?” She said.

Sobia is 28-year- old Army doctor. She is the youngest kid in a family of doctors, and naturally a mama’s baby too. She belongs to a family of renowned doctors, comprising her siblings, father, brothers-in-law and one sister-in-law. She is a very quiet and introvert type of a girl. She is so quiet and calm that at times it is impossible to depict what is going on in her mind. Since it was difficult to know the details from her, I switched asking from her mother. She replied,” Sobi is our cutest and dearest child. She is at times not able to express and promote herself properly. Her elder sisters were beautiful and very confident. I experienced the same problem in their time as well. Once, a woman came to see her. She behaved positively till Sobi was in the drawing room. My elder daughter, who is happily married to a doctor, entered the room and started serving refreshments. The moment that lady looked at the elder daughter, she put down the plate and left our house, without making any remark. I am still shocked at her eccentric behavior. She found Sobi cute, but after meeting Afeera (elder sister), she made a contrast in mind, God knows better”.

Tehreem is another 31-year-old friend of mine who works in a bank. I asked her mother the same and she replied,”People have un-realistic standards and undefined demands. Tehreem is an ordinary looking girl. People come to see her, eat, drink and leave without saying anything. She usually covers her head because we are a bit conventional and customary people. Women sound relatively urbane during a telephonic talk, but behave creepily after meeting my daughter. A lady remarked on her covered head and almost no-make up face. I am not presenting brand ambassador of a company, why don’t they realize this? If I ask her to put on little make-up and meet the people, there are people who comment on that as well. What should I do?”

Nouman is a 30-year-old software developer and a second cousin of mine as well. He is an ordinary looking boy with good education and no model-type built or looks. His mom and elder sister are very ordinary looking ladies. They have been visiting a lot of families for the last two years. When I asked Nouman, he was unaware of “this” procedure. “I don’t know if mom and baji are visiting families in Islamabad. I am here in US for the last eight years. They have never told me, or shown me any pictures. It is strange”. According the sources, they have visited more than twenty families and didn’t like even a single girl.

There is no sensationalization from these stories. There is a need to think critically where we are leading. Is it a kind of social curse or set of very sky-scraping standards that is creating troubles in finding proper matches? It certainly leads to late marriages, which has its own set of shortcomings and tormenting effects. It is not something against the procedure but people need to know what exactly they want. Instead of dreaming about fairy-like faces and paranormal beauties, they ought to define their standards realistically in terms of the girl’s career, education, family background, looks, including their sons’ choice as well. We need to think about it seriously. Sadaf Fayyaz

Read the same post at Amazines:

http://www.amazines.com/article_detail.cfm/1130632?articleid=1130632&title=Arranged%2Cmarriage%2Csoul%2Cmate%2Csoftware%2Cdeveloper%2Cun-married%2Cgirls