The Relationship Paradox

 

Relationships can lead to complications and being single means your lonely - so who is happier?

Someone asked me if it was true that people in relationships were happier than those who are single. The issue is quite debatable and the answer evaded me. So, over the past week I have been asking different people, married, single, divorced, engaged, and newly- weds for their opinion. But I still could not easily determine whether people in relationships were happier than single ones.

I decided to analyse data I had. According to my survey people in stable relationships, which offered security and understanding, were happy. But immature relationships led to short-term happiness and extreme sadness in the end.  Facts confirmed my study. People in relationships live longer. Marriage apparently adds around seven years to the life of a man and four to the life of a woman. Figures for those who live together are similar.While both psychologists and physiologists agree that people in relationships are happier than those without them an unhealthy relationship can lead to extreme unhappiness.

According to a psychologist men need to be in a relationship more than women. Men need to have a physical relationship (marital or otherwise) while woman want to get settled. “No matter how successful a woman might be in her life, she experiences a real sense of security after marrying a man, who is physically and mentally strong.” The pscychologist said that women’s desire for security doesn’t exhibit their inferiority. It is necessary both for man and woman be honest in a loving relationship. “The physical need is very natural. If not fulfilled it can create psychological problems like agitation, anger, aggression and depression. So being married or engaged is better than being single than just have a casual physical relationship or living together without any physical relation.”

Why are people in relationships happier (at first!)

Humans are social animals. When  in a relationship people can share things, take care of each other and offer support. People appear to feel better about themselves and their lives when they move into more committed relationships. Which is why many of my friends were happy when their relationships started but now just a few years after getting married, they are miserable. A married friend of mine says:

“How lucky single people are… they have no responsibility, no answering to anyone. They just enjoy the golden period of their single life.”

Upon asking her why feels this way she told me that she was sick of her mother-in-law who was kind until the wedding but now prompts her husband to beat her up. But relationships with out violent in-laws are not simple either. One girl tells me that anyone who has ever been in one knows that it can add no value to life. She says that all the expectations and conditions are daunting. “There’s only one kind of love- that’s unconditional. Relationships are just a bunch of rules that hold you down. They’re hard work!” She is against relationships.
A girl I know was dating her cousin. The families didn’t support their relationship and she ended up marrying someone else. Despite the circumstances she was blissful at during the honeymoon stage of the relationship but is extremely unhappy now.

Some relationships are harder than others

When relationships are not fruitful,  individuals start to become unhappy. People in secure and happy relationships show a higher level of well being than those in unhappy or one sided relationships. Well being, here is associated with self-esteem, general life satisfaction, comfort and welfare. Committed relationships have a great potential to affect the mental, physical ,social and psychological health of individuals. For some, relationships can be like a U-turn: meaning they are a slightly unhappy when the relationship starts, are very happy at the time of marriage and become unhappy again  after some years of marriage. Unstable commitments tend to lead to low self-esteem, less satisfaction and depression. These are a few examples:
A 32-year-old  man tells me he hates women. His first engagement broke at the behest of the girl’s family. He got engaged again but it turned out that his fiance was interested in someone else. She  broke it off. He now hates the idea of being in a relationship and doesn’t even want to talk it.

Another girl I know married a man of her choice with their parents bessings. But after six years of marriage she is childless and unhappy. Doctors have told her that her husband has fertility problems.
One couple is facing difficulty as the husband is unemployed and the woman earns for the whole family. She was happy when her relationship started but is now sad as she wants her husband to support her.
In a case of young love gone wrong a boy’s girlfriend abruptly asked him to stop calling him. He is an extremely unhappy person now.

Another man married a girl of his mother’s choice even though he was interested in a classmate. He never got adjusted with his wife. After some years she left him and took the children with her. He started taking drugs for solace.

Single and not looking

Some single people I spoke to said they would prefer to remain that way. They said they enjoyed their freedom and that relationships brought too much pain when they ended. ”If we are secure and content in ourselves we can approach life much more confidently. We can be happier and healthier.”A single teacher told me that she believed in womens liberty and wanted to live an independent life.

But being single can result in loneliness too. People may take drug or tranquilizers to dull their pain. I can generalise that it is very hard for single people (especially women) to live and promote themselves in our society where security and safety needs are associated with committed relationships. However, crushes and even one-sided relationship can prove destructive for a person. Also, relationships that don’t bring desired outcomes don’t prove beneficial.

In the spotlight

Looking at the world of showbiz, there are some who say that marriage was the biggest mistake of their life while some manage to live with their families happily. A renowned TV model and anchor, told me:

“It varies from person to person. If one gets into a relationship, he or she must be fully committed and loyal. If a person is single, he or she is quite independent. But everyone needs a partner. It’s all natural. A good relationship is important to give you security and a sense of care.”

In the end,  one can simply say that relationships are paradoxical in nature. Some people have been discussing platonic relationships for years. The Hollywood film "When Harry met Sally" was on the same topic. I do believe in platonic relationships besides its complexity. But at times, there comes a time when a strictly platonic relationship moves to some other horizons. Its hard to keep it completely "Platonic", specially if it exists between the opposite genders. So, platonic relationships can exist and could be lasting forever too.

 The Article was published in Express Tribune. 

The Job that wasn’t there

 

The latest trend in HR is fooling candidates about the job they are applying for

Getting a job is hard these days. With more joblessness in the capital, it has become extremely difficult to the right job that will pay well too.  But a new trend some companies have adopted is  fooling candidates about their designation. Last year, in 2009, we (some friends from my MBA batch and myself), were asked by our career office to visit an established local bank. We were all very excited, as the letter said:

“You have been shortlisted for a test as Management Trainee Officer (MTO) at XXX bank. Please bring these documents: a copy of CNIC, copies of your latest results and degree certificates  at the time of the test. Venue and time of test is…..”

Excited, we all started preparing for our test, going through GMAT preparation books, and refreshing knowledge gained in MBA classes. Those were hot days. We were asked to appear for the test on the specified date. We all went, gave the MTO test and  started waiting for our results. After two weeks, my friends and I received a letter from the HR department,

Congratulations: you have been shortlisted for the post of Retail Banking Officer. Please bring a copy of you CNIC and other certificates at the time of the second interview….”

We all reached the location, MAJU where an HR lady named Roohi conducted a psychological test on over 100 candidates. We were asked to wait for the results.
I came back home and did the usual.  “Mom! Please pray for that I get hired by the bank” I had said.
 In the meantime, the day for my MBA convocation was announced. OH MY GOD! It was the same day and time as the final interview. I was a magna-cum-laude (with honors) too. I asked my parents, “Should I give the final interview or attend my convocation?” Mom replied, “I think your final job interview is more vital. You can collect your MBA degree from the office later.”

But one thing was bothering me. The first letter had a heading of “MTO”. The second call had a heading for “RBO.” We missed our convocation and appeared in our final job interview. For about three hours, we waited and asked candidates who were coming out of the room about interview questions being asked. Extreme antagonism was apparent on their faces. “What happened, Usman?” I asked an MBA class fellow, when he exited the room.

 “Nothing.” he replied. “It is a sales job that they are hiring for. They wasted our time for about a month, kept calling us for different kinds of interviews, and now in the final interview they reveal it is a sales job. I’m not interested in it.” He left the room furious.

I asked other friends and their answeres were analogous to Usman’s. “Yes, it is a sales job that they are hiring for. First, they mailed people for an MTO opening, then RBO, now they are talking about a sales job. We are not interested in a sales career.”Another MBA classmate, Nazia said “OMG! I belong to a very conservative family. I am only allowed to work in finance, but my family won’t allow me to join sales job at the bank.”  Most of the candidates were annoyed.

“Let’s wait and see what the interview panel says. I will see myself when my turn comes.” I replied.
 My time came and I finally appeared before the panel. There were three people in all: a lady and two men. The sophisticated lady started, talking very gently. The man sounded a bit rude, he asked me “How are you at sales?” I was annoyed (I had missed the convocation too!) but replied.“Sir, your HR advertised an opening for MTO and then RBO. Now that youare talking about a sales job.”  Before I could say something more, he said, “Thank you, you may leave.”

When I came out, it was proved personally that they were looking for sales staff. Very few people  are interested in joining sales as the turnover rate is high there. .When I talked to my class fellows, they said they felt that the bank had tried to make a fool out of the candidates. If they had advertised straight about a sales job, no one would have applied. They wasted our time, as well as their own too because in the end, NO ONE was willing to join the sales job.

Out of so many candidates, I didn’t find even a single person saying  ‘yes’ to the job. They just fooled the candidates with a misleading advertisement and non-serious HR procedures. They gained nothing. but a terrible reputation. I am unable to understand whether they were intentionally fooling candidates or this was the carelessness of the HR department. God knows better. HR should know which ad they are putting up and which post the company is hiring for.

The Article was published in Express Tribune. 

College Life and the Dilemma of Red Tape

 

I belong to the 2006 batch of Bahria University. After completing two semesters at BU, one day my mom asked me to show her my interim transcript. Figuring I needed a print copy of my transcript, I went to the examination department, who promptly said, “sorry, we can’t give you the transcript since there is no paper.”

I was a bit puzzled over such an unlikely excuse. The next day, I was informed by a couple of friends, “They give this paper excuse to everyone, they don’t want to give transcripts out”.

I didn’t give up and went to the Director Academics. He told me that he couldn’t help me and referred me to Director Exams. They too seemed reluctant to give me the transcript.

I then went to an old teacher of mine, who was acting as head of Examination Department and finally I was granted my transcript without any paper “filling” at all.

At times there are unnecessary filings and paper work at BU. It is good to keep a record of students and their grades, but the incredible amounts of red tape destroys the functionality of an organization.

Case in point 2: I was supposed to present a BU shield to a guest for delivering his lecture and taking time out of his hectic schedule. Enter the red tape again. The admin person responsible for shields refused to give it to me.

“First get it signed by your instructor, Deputy Director and XYZ, then I will give the shield to you.”

I looked at my watch. There was little time left and the guest was about to depart. He had specially come from Lahore for this lecture. Being out of time and options, I had to threaten the concerned person to give me the shield to present to the guest.

The crux of the matter is that an institution simply cannot function well unless we cut the red tape and move forward. Unnecessary paper work and official mechanisms only destroy an organization and bring havoc to its functionality. The amount of time administration spends in getting forms filled, taking signs, stamping them and then maintaining  a paper record is totally inefficient. Sure, sometimes it’s necessary to keep a paper record and track of everything, but then why despite having so many records and files was my thesis result lost or misplaced?

The thesis department claimed to have sent my result to exam department. The exam department told me they had not received it, so they couldn’t prepare my final transcript. Upon asking a middle man (PA to HOD), I found my thesis on his table below a stack of papers.

It is high time we see a more innovative, more progressive system, and the elimination of red tape culture at universities.

The Article was Published in Express Tribune.

A Session with Shadow Cabinet

Published in Unrated Magazine

by

Sadaf Fayyaz

Howard Wentley of Shadow CabinetShadow Cabinet has been performing since 2006 and has become one of the most renowned bands in central Florida. The band is famous for comprising music from eighties; nineties and 00s. Shadow Cabinet has its inspiration and influences from The Cure, INXS, U2, David Bowie, Talking Heads, The Smiths, The Pretenders, Duran Durna, Depeche Mode and the other great bands of yesteryears. Shadow Cabinet has been playing material by famous artists like Sublime, Dave Mathews, The Killers, Weezer, Coldplay and MGMT.

Howard Wentley is the guitarist and vocalist. Being a native of Pennsylvania, Howard started performing in R&B and rock bands during high school. He played at different night clubs, colleges, and outdoor shows. He has also been teaching guitar for more than fifteen years. He was also the founder of Allies, a very famous pop band of New York.

While at Boston, Howard joined I Inside, that was a very well know band which recorded and opened for top bands of Boston. He also worked as a talent screener for a booking agency and ran the New Music Nights at several clubs of Boston. He worked as a freelancer with many bands of Boston during this time and learnt a lot. He recorded and performed many times a year. He is also the founder of a famous Boston band Famous People. Howard also attended Emerson College and graduated with honors and getting s BFA in writing. He has been playing all over Florida and he has had the opportunity to open for Bad Company and the Indigo Girls. Unrated Magazine got a chance to have a small interview with this talented man. At some of the answers, one finds Jim also responding. The band has a fan list of more than 43,000. Besides this, Howard is also the press contact person for Shadow Cabinet. The band has also been playing at very famous pubs of Florida. They are really quite talented.

Sadaf Fayyaz: Tell something about your education and music training.

Howard Wentley: I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Writing from Emerson College in Boston. I had a total of five different guitar teachers. The last one was an instructor at Berkley College of Music in Boston. I also studied voice and music theory.

Sadaf: Tell about your inspiration.

Howard: When I hear some music I really love and that moves me, it makes me want to play or create something that will affect others the same way I was affected by what I heard.

Sadaf: Give a brief intro of the band members.

Howard: The band comprises Eric Mroczkowski on keyboards, guitar, vocals; Jim lee on bass and vocals; Matt Kent on drums and vocals; and myself on guitars and vocals.

Shadow CabinetSadaf: How and when did you guys got interested in music?

Howard: My parents bought a piano, and I sat and tried to play it, teaching myself at best I could. But it was the guitar that eventually really got me.



Jim Lee: Music has always been a "happy place" for me. My first memories of really listening and enjoying music go back to when I was 6 or 7. My dad brought home a portable stereo that my mom played in the kitchen all the time.

Sadaf: What was the first instrument you learnt playing and at what age?

Howard: I started on piano when I was 8 because we had one in our home, but it was the Beatles that made me want to play rock, so I shifted to guitar at age 12.


Jim: My first musical instrument was a "hand-me-down" clarinet that my sister gave to me when she stopped playing. That was around age 9. In middle school, I picked up the saxophone and guitar.

Sadaf: List your favorite bands and musicians.

Howard: The Beatles, U2, The Cure, Sting, REM and The Police.

Sadaf: Share a few lines on your album. What are your expectations from fans?

Howard: Our first EP was a learning experience for us as we explored writing and recording tunes. We will be continuing that exploration with our new songs that we're writing now.

Sadaf: What is your music genre?

Howard: It is basically New Wave revival and post punk.

Sadaf: Have you ever played cover songs?

Howard: Yes, we do play shows that are primarily cover shows.

Sadaf: Is there any message to your fans?

Howard: Thanks for your interest and support. We will continue to explore creating our own music, and we hope you enjoy it.

Sadaf: What is your source of learning?

Howard: It is listening to the artists that inspire us.

Sadaf: How do you define music?

Howard: It is something that sounds that somehow resonates emotionally with a listener. When it works, a listener will want to come back again and again.

Images Courtesy: Manda Howd